Full Throttle Evolution: A brief self analysis

I have been doing a lot of thinking as of late. Thinking about life, my spiritual journey, and the changes I have undergone since high school. It is amazing to me to look back and see the changes that have bloomed in me, both good and bad. So I decided to write a sort of analysis for self exploration, but also to encourage ya’ll to do the same. You may have a moment of enlightenment or appreciation, or you may just say I’m crazy and find something you like better to read, but you never know…

  1. A New Confidence.
    • When I was in high school, I projected this sort of naive confidence. I remember walking with so much sass that I felt like I was radiating to all parts and crevices around me. Then after high school, that confidence still lingered but not as frequently, and was held up by defensiveness and was only painted on the walls guarding the part of me that felt like it was breaking. The difference then was self doubt began to creep in and out weigh confidence. Soon after that, I married, and I felt like the person I thought I was had suddenly changed or morphed or was lost all together. My confidence shifted, and instead of being concentrated on or within myself, it felt like it depended on the circumstances that permeated my marriage. I realize now, after a couple years of marriage, that what I was feeling was change, and it was me finding my real self again and also for the first time. It still is occurring this change, but I am not so afraid of it anymore. If anything, I have found a sort of comfort in me. I have been able to admit my vulnerabilities to myself and my husband, confess my fears, and truly express my feelings without sugar-coating anything. Also, reclaiming me has reignited my confidence as well as my faith. I have once again changed, and have reached out for my faith. Do not get me wrong, I am definitely not perfect, nor do I pretend to be, but I am trying to be more like God everyday, and I am finding a sort of peaceful confidence because of it. I just purchased a book called Hello Beauty Full by Elisa Morgan, and I am so excited for it to get here, and what I can learn from it. 
  2. The Friend Game
    • Once again, in high school, I was not one to have a bunch of close or best friends. I had a couple, and those friends I would cross hell or high water for, but the rest I always kept at arms length. This sort of behavior remained the same after high school, except most of my high school friends were living a far distance away, so I kept almost everyone I met at arms length. There were a few gals I met in college who I now consider close friends and family, but most have vanished as the memories fade. After I married, my friends became even fewer and far between. Not because I didn’t try or was a nasty person, but because I no longer depended on friendship outside my home. What I have learned is that keeping people at arms length is not fair to them or to myself. So I have made new friends, kept a few from college, and even fewer from high school. It is amazing to me how true friends are the ones that never really go away, no matter how far away you are from each other. They see you in your good and bad times and love you anyway. I guess it really makes me grateful for all that I have, and those wonderful people who have stuck it out with me while I searched for forgiveness and myself.
  3. Lastly, Maturing in Marriage and Love
    • This topic is one that is still in full throttle evolution for me, and I hope it remains that way forever. My Marriage over these last five years has not been a walk in the park or any sort of joy-ride. It has been hard and tasking and gut-wrenching  but also happy and peaceful and uplifting. I think that is part of the journey though. You marry a person who you love, and you learn more about them and yourself than you ever thought possible. It is terrifying for me most of the time because I want to be a perfect wife, but as I have learned, that does not exists. In a way though, I am the perfect version of perfect for my husband and my marriage, and I am learning to give myself some slack and also really see how lucky I am. I no longer care what others say or think about my marriage because they will never know it like I do. That in itself has been one of the biggest victories I think I have had. It was like a switch just flipped one day, and everything sort of made much more sense, like a overwhelming feeling of contentment and peace filled me up and nothing else mattered any more. Again, I do not have the perfect marriage and we still have our disagreements and arguments, but at the end of the day, I know I have found my closest friend that lifts me up and keeps me steady.

I could go on and on with this list about life lessons and what not, but I think these 3 are a good starting point. Definitely something I can expand on in my journal writing. SO what did you think? Have you felt this way? Please comment and let me know, I would love to hear from you!

Until Next Time,

Momma Rae

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