Have you ever been lost in subliminal thought while working on something else? Like your mind is analyzing something but doing it right under the surface just in case what it finds is too much.
I have been experiencing this for a while, especially when I am alone. I think it may be a way for my mind to protect me. It feels like swimming and looking at the sun just below the surface of the water. You know at any minute you could surface if you needed to, but instead you are choosing to observe things from a different point of view.
The examination and analyzation is over my emotions and feelings.
For most of my life, I tried to hid my vulnerabilities and true self because I desperately wanted people to like me. I wanted them to see me as strong, as the girl that could handle anything you threw at her. As the girl that had everything together and had direction-the one who didn’t need anyone. The fiercely independent woman who jumped in volcanoes and came back to tell about it-kind of like a Lara Croft/Wonder Woman combo.
The reality though, is that I am really not any of those things. I am highly sensitive and feel things so strongly sometimes it takes my breath away. I am incredibly self conscious, and hide behind different walls and masks that I have curated over the years.
Sometimes I am walking around and doing things seemingly happy, but in reality I am crying inside. Crying so hard it wells up in my throat, but no one knows because I keep it hidden. Always hidden. I do not want people to judge me or to see me as anything other than what I display for them. Because I desperately want to be those things.
Since the birth of my first child though, I have found that hiding my emotions is something that I can not really do any more-I don’t want to do. It is very confusing and scary to me because I cannot keep everything bottled up. Things surface. Emotions and feelings surface and this stale breath that I have been holding in for years finally releases and I have a moment of realization and calm. Only to very quickly feel ashamed for not keeping it together.
This vulnerability and truth really scares me. Scares me because what if the people I have come to love and care for do not really like the Momma Rae who cries and cannot always be the shoulder everyone cries on. What if they do not appreciate someone who cannot always bear the weight and responsibility of everything in her life alone?
It is crazy to me how much I have changed. I NEVER would have admitted these things about myself in the past. N E V E R. But I am coming to the point in my life where I am exhausted-mentally, physically, and emotionally. I am tired of trying to be Wonder Woman. I want those that I love to see me and to love the real me. I want my children to see my vulnerability and know that it is okay to show emotion and to experience it-even if it is not always positive.
That is one of the things I am trying to get a better grasp on. Validating my feelings both good and bad. I have to know that yes I am experiencing emotion and that it is okay to admit that and to show it.
Perhaps that is why I am writing this blog post. I want to finally be honest with myself-to finally let the breath out and to take a new fresh breath. For better or worse, I am me-changing and growing-and I want to be the best version of myself for my children and husband, an honest version.
I know it is going to take time and a lot more self reflection. It is going to take me giving myself some slack and room to explore the depth of how I am feeling, to evaluate it and learn from it. To accept it. To love it.
One day at a time right 🙂
Until next time,